So with a fully grown Alsatian, and a small puppy, the problems grew. My daughter would kick and scream everytime there'd be even a hint of any of them approaching.
I decided to tackle this problem finally, head-on! The fear had to be treated, and cured. Else it will live with her for life.
On Sunday, I got both the dogs inside the home, and then followed this process
- First of all, my son and me played with both of them as she closed herself behind the doors of her room, watching TV and ensuring that they did not enter her room. But she was aware that both the dogs were on the same floor.
- Then slowly, I informed her that I want her to play with the small pup. She kicked and screamed, as usual!
- I firmly informed her that "you have to play with it. There is no choice but to do that."
- While the bigger dog was chained outside, the pup was taken to her room.
- She maintained a healthy distance from the pup, and from me, refusing to touch it (the pup) completely.
- Slowly I approached her, step by step, over 10-15 minutes, constantly repeating "don't be scared baby, Daddy is with you."
- I asked her to touch the pup with her fingers - she extended them as much as she could (she would have elastically extended them if it were possible!) and allowed the tips of her fingernails to touch the pup.
- No problems! At least a beginning had been made. I asked her to slowly caress the pup.
- Then in the next step, I asked her to stroke the pup's head and neck. I help the mouth of the pup firmly so it would not turn and startle my daughter. It is very important that eye contact be avoided between the dog and the scared human, in this step. The fear simply refuses to go, otherwise.
- Then I took the next big step. I asked her to hold the pup with her hands. She kicked and screamed. She made me realise how much I do not love her, and how much I am harassing her.
- No problem. I kept on insisting. It took some time.
- Then in the most crucial step, her hands were brought forward (by me) slowly and gently, and wrapped around the pup's body. I was close to her always.
- I told her to lift the pup, and she naturally refused. No problem, I ensured that she keeps holding the pup properly.
- After much cajoling, and reminding her that her fearless and powerful Dad is with her and she need not be scared at all, I asked her to pick the pup up from the ground. She refused telling me that the pup is too heavy. This, from a girl who can lift her elder brother when angry!
- No problems! I said "fine" and slowly started moving away. I told her that the pup may bite her if she leaves it now, and it is in her best interest to dominate the situation and take charge. "Don't let go, dear!". I said, and moved away, all the while staying close enough!
- After much visual threatening, she finally decided to pick the pup up. It was quite clumsy, as her hands were wrapped at the same position around the pup's stomach. Poor pup! Must be quite confused as to what's the drama going on.
- Victory! She had done it. We clapped! (me and my son) Photos were clicked. She felt like a victor! It took us around an hour in all.
We asked her to gently put the pup down, and let the pup settle comfortably in her lap. It did. Attached alongwith is a beautiful picture of that moment!- I repeated the process of asking her to pick the pup up in air. It worked. I asked her each time "Are you scared? Is the pup hurting you? Is it heavy?" And I kept on reminding her that the pup was very much a manageable creature. Fear was only in her mind. This was a true "Matrix moment".
- That evening, and the next day as well, I ensured that she played with that pup.
- Learning process initiated. SUCCESS!
I wonder if this is how all our fears can be understood and gradually won over.. I wonder if what Morpheus told Neo in Matrix was truly correct - yes, it seems to be!.. I wonder if we can apply such strategies to other areas of formal education as well!
~
24 comments:
OMG,u r a true human being wid everything in u...A gr8 DAD i must say,i like dis blog coz despite of ur hectic schedule u r a family guy,it reminds me of my childhood d same thing my dad did wid me,whn he bought a pug fr me whn i ws 5..i ws also afraid of dogs,bt he smhw managed me as d way u did,u hd refreshed my memories..nw m missin my dad as m residing in hostel......
Dear Sir,
As usual wonderful posting and really the best thing to overcome the fear is do the thing which makes us feel scary and fearful.
Respected Sir,
I fell into nostalgia and it appeared as if the past was sprouting up in me as your blog reminded of the days when my dad used to make me learn the things as simply as you do to your daughter. I can never forget the way he taught me how to swim. He used to take me into the pool and made me float on the surface of water while always standing besides me and also guiding me to flip my legs to propel me forward. At times, he used coercion when I showed reluctance to learn but also patted me whenever I emerged successful.
Sir, fear really hampers the process of intellectual growth.
Or should I say, it pulls the world away from our eyes to blind us from the truth.
Yours sincerely
Munish
Fall 09
Ruchi (@ tallymbord) - thanks for reading and commenting! I can understand how much you must be remembering your good old days. Cheer up!
Kanchan - well said. Look fear into the eyes, and it vanishes.
Munish - excellent way to motivate a kid to learn how to swim. In fact, this may be the only way, at times!
Dear Sir,
Great post! It reminded me about how my Dad taught me how to ride a bicycle. It almost wets my eyes when I remember those good ol' days. & I am sure apart from helping her overcome the fear of dogs, you have also given her one of those moments that she shall cherish after years.
Regards,
Shoaib Qureshi
PS - I am scared of dogs too ;-)
You may like this site, this guy is featured on National geographic
http://www.cesarsway.com/
Himanshu
sir...
again exellent blog remind mee hw ma father used to teach meee things....as ur last line say use tis tactics in formal education than i feel students cn say m PLAY VID MATHS, PARTY VID BIO,PHYSICS IS MA BST FRND.........
AS WE MAKE THINGS EASIER N MOLD THEM ACCORDING TO THE TREATMENT SHUD GIVEN @ THAT POINT OF TIME.... V CN DO MIRACLES.......
thanks 4 sch a nic blog
Respected Sir,
Sir it is very inspiring blog for all Protons, including me. We all have some fears, like of darkness, water, failure, and being neglected. These all are pull the person back and we also know that it is not good for us, but in spite of knowing all we are enable to come out of it.
Remedy which is given by you and Morpheus is only the solution but while practice it, i come across following problem:
1. It requires lots of willing power.
2. If you don't have any mentor, then it becomes slightly difficult to believe in it.
3. You can't overcome in a shot, it requires regular efforts.
Regards,
Proton Yasmin Mansuri
Fall 09
Respected Sir,
Sir it is very inspiring blog for all Protons, including me. We all have some fears, like of darkness, water, failure, and being neglected. These all are pull the person back and we also know that it is not good for us, but in spite of knowing all we are enable to come out of it.
Remedy which is given by you and Morpheus is only the solution but while practice it, i come across following problem:
1. It requires lots of willing power.
2. If you don't have any mentor, then it becomes slightly difficult to believe in it.
3. You can't overcome in a shot, it requires regular efforts.
Regards,
Proton Yasmin Mansuri
Fall 09
Dear Sir,
There are some or the other kinds of fear in the mind of humans. Let it be fear of animals, water or of numbers and calculations.
I am the one who has the fear of numbers, as something above simple calclation comes, i am scared and the whole lecture is totally blank.
My humble request,if there is any such solution for removing the fear of numbers, i will be more thn happy.
Sir need your sincere help.
Regards
Vidit Shah
Respected Sir,
This is true testimony to the fact that no fear can be rule us until or unless we allow it to dominate us. This was a wonderful example of we can overcame our fears in life which have to be modified accordingly to type of fear.
This is what i do during the time of any pain or injury because if i will let it rule my mind i won't be able to work so i press it more or don't think about it. Everytime i am able to do it successfully i emerge out as winner.
Nikhil Sukhlecha
Dear Sir,
Thank you for writing this blog.
I really learnt from it. One thing which I also do that whenever I go
to study and see the heavy assignment. I just thought that I can't do
it or a particular subject in which I am not good. My mind doesn't
work (my positive thoughts) and it becomes negative thoughts then I
easily go to bed and I don't do anything. Sir this is a human
tendency. they make themselves for ,thcomfortable therefore they
don't do anything. I have my own example that I had stage fear but i
have removed it. When I went to stage for presenting something I
could not see anybody but now i have improve it.
regards
Proton Prateek Sarathe
Ahmedabad
Preteek, Nikhil, Vidit, Yasmin, Smthing Different, Himanshu, Soya - thanks for sharing your personal experiences, and making this comments like so enriched and readable. Wonderful!
Respected Sir,
I believe that fear is an integarl part of human behavior but we all should try to minimize and manage it.There is a beautiful quote which says "DO THE THINGS YOU FEAR AND THE FEAR WILL DISAPPEAR." I alway like to face limited fear because it gradually develops ability to deal with fear and it is always a thrilling experience to a pro- adventure person.During my NCC days I did parasailing which helped me to overcome the fear of height.
Yours Sincerely,
Pr Avinash Choudhary
Your ways of teaching have sprouted courage in us too. Thanks for this wonderful 2years of teaching, i've really become fearless something ....
Regards,
Kumar Ankit
Respected Sir,
I have seen many parents creating false imprints of ghosts or some bad characters in the mind of there kids so as to make there kids eat or might be to to prohibit kids from doing something or the other. As the child grows the fear grows, and it takes a lot to overcome such things. Parents need to understand its bad consequences. I really admire the way you made efforts to overcome your daughters fear.
I would extend my appreciations for the photograph as well, it is really beautiful.
Yours truly
Sourav Mukhopadhayay
Hello Sir,
Definitely, unless and untill we do not vanish our internal fear we can't proceed towards the next step.
" Nothing is at last scared but the integrity of our own mind. "
Respected Sir,
Thanks for sharing this incident. I liked snakes till the age of 16. I kept on searching information about different species of snakes. But, after sometime I started hating snakes. Today, I can't tolerate even photographs of snakes.It is irritating. I often wake up in the night, when I see random pictures of snakes in dreams.
I believe that human brain is a complex gift of nature.
Regards,
Richa Rai
Respected Sir,
The manner you dealt with the fear of your daughter, is truly appreciative.
This experience of yours stirred the memories of the fear-handling days of my daughter, the most touching and difficult of which had been the times I had to counsel her to join the boarding school, when she was barely 6 and a half years old.
The movie 'Taare jameen par' added to the existing fear, the specific scenes of which she used to watch almost daily and cry hugging me. often she used to hum the song, 'meri maa,'looking straight to my face, making me reconsider my decision.
It was a year long effort packed with immense love, patience and firmness to wean her off the life with a parent around and gradually introduce her to the pleasures of a boarding life. After all, the transition had to be smooth and slippery.
And, finally,on the big day, it was I, who with mixed tears of pain and happiness, moved towards the exit gate while she ran inside to play with her newly made friends. I kept asking her for a few days, "Is it like what you imagined it would be?" Her replies varied from saying ,"I am a brave cub of my brave mother." to "Please take me away from here right at this moment."
The experience made her strong, boosted her self-esteem and got rid of other childhood fears. Recently, it was a delight to see her walking in front of me, holding my hand, helping me to walk through the fear castle at the mall, without fear.
As a teacher, I gave my students small doses of what they feared, repeatedly and frequently. Usually, it had been either fear for a particular topic of study, fear of bad performance on stage or fear of public speaking. The two popular root causes of these fears are: lack of knowledge and wild imaginations.
Of course, the treatment varied from person to person. While fear arising from lack of knowledge and preparation could only be overcome by studyng and practising more, the fear due to the second reason could be tackled by giving imaginations a path. Some of the directions, I remember I gave were:
To a hesitant singer: "Imagine that there is an old and lonely person on a death bed, miles and miles away, who can come to life only if you sing to her. Please sing for her."
To nervous comperes: "These all are closed buds/wooden dummies. The moment you speak, they will begin to blossom. What do you want to see in front? You have the magic wand. You are the creator."
To a child who was abused by parents:"You are a very special student. The class misses you when you don't come to school. Now let's do this thing together." (An effort to bring her closer so that she could talk freely.)
The strategies to win fear are situational and personalized, but, have in them the common essential virtues as persistence, perseverence, gentleness and firmness, the virtues that you exercised while handling your daughter's fear.
Sincere regards,
Nidhi Agarwal
Nidhi - wow! That was so wonderful to read. My blogposts become meaningful more by reader-comments than the blogpost itself! And I must congratulate your daughter for being the "brave cub" she said she is.
Rucha - surprising that you got back your fear! Very interesting to know. What are you doing now to rid yourself of this?
Neeri, Kumar Ankit, Avinash - thanks for reading and commenting!
Sourav - thanks for liking the photo! It is my personal favourite as well.
Respected Sir,
After reading this blog, one movie scene come to my mind in which actor said,"FEAR IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR RESULT".Thank you sir for writing such enlightening blogs for us.
Thank You Sir.
Great photograph!
Shailendra - well said!
Manas - I knew you would love it. It was quite a task to rid her of this fear! But we did it finally. Now she plays with the pup (Jackie) everyday. You have no idea how happy that makes me :-)
Hello Morpheus!
Great Blog, great comments!
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